Wild &*%$! Guessing: 2009 NHL Playoffs First Round (EAST)

Wild &*%$! Guessing is when we break down topics that could be analyzed, pondered and pontificated ad nauseum and instead boil them down to a tender, tasty morsel of not quite complete bull*%&t.

Well, it's here. The Real Hockey Season. With apologies to those in Toronto, Edmonton, Ottawa and some American cities, tomorrow is when the real hockey teams start playing the games that count. Though the push for the playoffs can certainly elicit its own brand of joy and/or cries of shame and sadness, it's nothing like the actual post season. Pretty sure no one was studying the box score from last week's Leafs v. Sens Battle of Onterrible barn-burner. So, as the losers dust off their golf clubs and start desperately combing the roster for draft day trade bait, we (along with everyone else and their monkey) boldly step up to make our own first round playoff predictions.

We begin today with the Eastern Conference. Tomorrow? Western picks.

Boston Bruins (1) vs. Montreal Canadiens (8)
At a Bruins game in the late 80s against the Rangers, Brian Leetch went down hard with an ankle injury. The guy next to me stood up (along with half the crowd at the old Gaaahden) and started yelling, "Get up you (insert term often used for describing intercourse, followed closely by the feline phrase for female sexual anatomy)!" He was 11. Also? Wicked good TV commercials. Prediction: B's in 6.

Washington Capitals (2) vs. New York Rangers (7)
I went to a game at MSG once and in order to avoid the post-game crowd on the main escalators, took the stairs. It was there, in the hallowed bowels of that historic cathedral of sport that I stepped in what rough estimates gauged as a $60 puddle of beer puke. Prediction: Washington in 6.

New Jersey Devils (3) vs. Carolina Hurricanes (6)

"According to court records, the marriage ended after Brodeur admitted to having an affair with his sister-in-law, who was living with the Brodeurs to help take care of their four children." Prediction: Canes in 6.

Pittsburgh Penguins (4) vs. Philadelphia Flyers (5)

The motto of the city of Pittsburgh is said to be "By the favor of heaven." Philadelphia's, meanwhile, is "Let brotherly love endure." Pittsburgh sounds like it's got a vengeful, fire-and-brimstone God on its side, while Philly sounds like a patchouli-stinking hippie. Plus, Pittsburgh's flag has a big stone castle on it, while Philly's features two ladies who look like kindergarten teachers. Pens in 7.